Over the years as I’ve sought out ideas, principles and strategies to life’s challenges, I’ve come across four simple words that can make living worthwhile.
First, life is worthwhile if you LEARN. What you don't know WILL hurt you. You have to have learning to exist, let alone succeed. Life is worthwhile if you learn from your own experiences—negative or positive. We learn to do it right by first sometimes doing it wrong. We call that a positive negative. We also learn from other people's experiences, both positive and negative. I've always said that it is too bad failures don't give seminars. Obviously, we don't want to pay them so they aren’t usually touring around giving seminars. But that information would be very valuable—we would learn how someone who had it all then messed it up. Learning from other people's experiences and mistakes is valuable information because we can learn what not to do without the pain of having tried and failed ourselves.
We learn by what we see, so pay attention. We learn by what we hear, so be a good listener. Now I do suggest that you should be a selective listener; don't just let anybody dump into your mental factory. We learn from what we read, so learn from every source; learn from lectures; learn from songs; learn from sermons; learn from conversations with people who care. Always keep learning.
Second, life is worthwhile if you TRY. You can't just learn; now you have to try something to see if you can do it. Try to make a difference, try to make some progress, try to learn a new skill, try to learn a new sport. It doesn't mean you can do everything, but there are a lot of things you can do, if you just try. Try your best. Give it every effort. Why not go all out?
Third, life is worthwhile if you STAY. You have to stay from spring until harvest. If you have signed up for the day or for the game or for the project, see it through. Sometimes calamity comes and then it is worth wrapping it up. And that's the end, but just don't end in the middle. Maybe on the next project you pass, but on this one, if you signed up, see it through.
And lastly, life is worthwhile if you CARE. If you care at all you will get some results, if you care enough you can get incredible results. Care enough to make a difference. Care enough to turn somebody around. Care enough to start a new enterprise. Care enough to change it all. Care enough to be the highest producer. Care enough to set some records. Care enough to win.
Four powerful little words: learn, try, stay and care. What difference can you make in your life today by putting these words to work?
—Jim Rohn
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Success Is Everything by Jim Rohn
Someone once said to me that success isn't everything and I think I know what they really meant. I believe they really meant that money isn't everything, and I certainly agree with that. But I do believe that success IS everything.
First, you need to succeed to survive. We must take the seasons and learn how to use them with the seed, the soil and the rain of opportunity to learn how to sustain ourselves and our family. But then second is to then succeed to flourish in every part of your life. Good question to ask mature people: "If you could do better, should you?" And I think almost everybody would answer the question in the affirmative. If you could improve your health, shouldn't you do that? If you can learn more, shouldn't you do that? If you could earn more and share more, shouldn't you do that? If you can improve your relationships and spirituality, shouldn't you do that? And I think that is what success is really all about. It is not just a destination that is set for everybody to try and go for. It is like Zig Ziglar said, "improving in every area of your life to see if you can't say with satisfaction at the end of the day, week, month and year, 'I have made excellent progress this year, for myself, for my family, for my business, my career and my health.'" I think that kind of success everybody recognizes is legitimate and something we should all strive for.
Interesting phrase in the Bible that says strive for perfection—not that we can ever reach it. But it is in the striving, to be a little bit better today than yesterday, in our speech, our language, our health, everything we can possibility think of.
So yes, in my opinion, Success Is Everything!
—Jim Rohn
First, you need to succeed to survive. We must take the seasons and learn how to use them with the seed, the soil and the rain of opportunity to learn how to sustain ourselves and our family. But then second is to then succeed to flourish in every part of your life. Good question to ask mature people: "If you could do better, should you?" And I think almost everybody would answer the question in the affirmative. If you could improve your health, shouldn't you do that? If you can learn more, shouldn't you do that? If you could earn more and share more, shouldn't you do that? If you can improve your relationships and spirituality, shouldn't you do that? And I think that is what success is really all about. It is not just a destination that is set for everybody to try and go for. It is like Zig Ziglar said, "improving in every area of your life to see if you can't say with satisfaction at the end of the day, week, month and year, 'I have made excellent progress this year, for myself, for my family, for my business, my career and my health.'" I think that kind of success everybody recognizes is legitimate and something we should all strive for.
Interesting phrase in the Bible that says strive for perfection—not that we can ever reach it. But it is in the striving, to be a little bit better today than yesterday, in our speech, our language, our health, everything we can possibility think of.
So yes, in my opinion, Success Is Everything!
—Jim Rohn
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Artikel’: Tugas Kecil Hanya Membuat Anda Kerdil
Hore, Hari Baru! Teman-teman.
Jika boleh memilih antara gaji besar dan gaji kecil, apa pilihan Anda? Pertanyaan yang kurang cerdas. Jika dihadapkan pada 2 pilihan antara mengerjakan sesuatu yang sudah biasa Anda lakukan dengan baik atau sesuatu yang Anda belum terampil melakukannnya; Anda pilih yang mana? Tidak usah khawatir, ini bukan soal pilihan antara benar dan salah kok. Kebanyakan orang mendahulukan kenyamanan. Maka wajar jika mereka memilih mengerjakan tugas-tugas yang mudah. Selain memberi rasa nyaman, pekerjaan gampang tidak memerlukan kerja keras dan bisa menghemat banyak keringat. Tak heran jika banyak orang yang merasa berat hati ketika mendapatkan penugasan yang sulit. Bahkan tidak sedikit yang rela karirnya tidak berubah karena merasa sudah sangat nyaman dengan pekerjaan yang dilakukannya selama bertahun-tahun. Boleh saja jika memang itu sudah menjadi pilihan hidup kita. Tapi, jika kita masih mengeluhkan hasilnya, itu pertanda ada yang salah dengan pilihan kita.
Dua minggu lalu sahabat saya menunjukkan pohon beringin bonsai yang dimilikinya. Lalu saya teringat kepada pohon beringin besar yang tumbuh dihalaman belakang rumah kakek saya di kampung ketika saya masih kecil dulu. Membayangkan kedua beringin itu, tiba-tiba saya merasa miris sendiri. Jangan-jangan saya ini sebenarnya memiliki potensi yang sangat besar. Namun, saya membiarkan diri sendiri kerdil seperti beringin bonsai itu. Seolah tersadar dari keterlenaan yang telah bertahun-tahun ini saya alami, saya melihat betapa banyak potensi diri yang saya sia-siakan selama ini. Bagi Anda yang tertarik menemani saya belajar memaksimalkan potensi diri, saya ajak memulainya dengan mempraktekkan 5 prinsip Natural Intelligence (NatIn) berikut ini:
1. Behentilah bermain di arena kecil. Jika Anda sudah tidak lagi mengalami kesulitan dalam menyelesaikan pekerjaan yang Anda tangani, boleh jadi sebenarnya Anda sudah tidak cocok lagi dengan pekerjaan itu. Huhu, bukankah justru sebaliknya? Bukan. Salah satu alasan mengapa pohon beringin di rumah teman saya itu menjadi bonsai adalah karena dia secara sengaja ditempatkan pada pot beton yang sangat kecil. Beda dengan beringin raksasa di kebun kakek saya. Tanahnya luas, nutrisinya banyak, ruang geraknya leluasa. Maka jadilah beringin teman saya kerdil. Dan jadilah pohon beringin kakek saya menjulang tinggi dengan akar gantungnya yang besar dan kekar. Begitu pula dengan pekerjaan. Jika Anda masih terus bertahan dalam pekerjaan yang sudah menjadi tugas cetek dan celepete itu, bisa jadi Anda membiarkan diri sendiri menjadi bonsai. Kita sering mengkalim diri sebagai orang yang berjiwa besar dan berkehormatan besar. Namun, kita membiarkan diri sendiri ngendon di ruang kecil yang hanya cocok untuk mereka yang memiliki kapasitas kerja yang juga kecil. Terlalu mudahnya pekerjaan yang Anda tangani itu adalah indikasi jika kapasitas diri Anda sudah lebih besar. Maka datanglah kepada atasan Anda untuk penugasan yang lebih menantang. Karena seperti pot mungil; tantangan kecil hanya cocok untuk orang kecil, atau orang besar yang ingin menjadi kerdil.
2. Tumbuhkanlah keinginan untuk menjadi orang besar. Kalau merasa takut keluar dari arena kecil untuk memasuki arena bermain yang lebih besar itu wajar. Namun kita memiliki pilihan apakah akan menjadikan rasa takut itu sebagai alasan untuk tetap diam ditempat, ataukah sebagai daya dorong untuk mengembangkan diri agar bisa menjadi pribadi yang lebih besar. Pilihan itu menghasilkan sebuah perbedaan bermakna. Orang-orang yang terkurung dalam ketakutan tidak akan pernah keluar dari penjara aman yang dibuatnya sendiri. Sedangkan orang-orang yang terdorong oleh rasa takut proporsional justu semakin bersemangat untuk terus mengembangkan diri. Saya melihat akar bonsai itu memberontak keluar dari pot kecilnya. Bahkan ada bagian pot yang retak. Terlihat sekali jika sebenarnya bonsai itu ingin tumbuh membesar seperti yang seharusnya. Bagaimana dengan kita? Apakah kita menggeliat mencari tantangan lebih besar ataukah justru diam saja ditempat berhambatan kecil? Kita kalah oleh tanaman jika demikian. Tantangan besar sering tidak datang dengan sendirinya. Maka seperti akar bonsai itu, kita sendirilah yang harus mencarinya keluar dari tempat persembunyian. Banyak atasan yang enggan memberi penugasan besar kepada orang-orang tertentu. Mengapa? Karena kebanyakan orang memiliki seribu satu alasan untuk menolaknya. Kita? Karus seperti akar itu. Mendatanginya. Dan mempersiapkan keterbukaan diri untuk menerima tantangan besar.
3. Pancinglah kesempatan besar dengan umpan yang besar. Bayangkan jika Anda berharap bisa menangkap hiu, namun Anda menggunakan sampan kecil. Dengan kondisi seperti itu, didatangi oleh hiu justru sangat berbahaya. Banyak kejadian yang patut kita ambil hikmahnya. Misalnya orang-orang yang mendapatkan jabatan atau tanggungjawab yang ‘terlalu besar’ dibandingkan dengan kapasitas dirinya yang kecil. Mereka berambisi untuk mendapatkan ikan besar, tapi lupa untuk memperbesar alat pancingnya. Mereka berambisi mendapatkan jabatan tinggi, tapi lalai mengimbanginya dengan kapasitas dan kemampuan diri yang juga tinggi. Akhirnya? Kinerjanya buruk. Frustrasi. Dilecehkan kolega dan bawahan. Lalu, melarikan diri ke tempat lain karena sudah tidak sanggup lagi mengatasi tantangan yang dihadapinya. Ditempat baru, kejadiannya tidak jauh berbeda. Pasti akan terulang lagi. Kecuali jika mereka kembali memasuki kolam kecil yang sesuai dengan kapasitas dirinya. Sebaliknya jika penugasan besar itu diberikan kepada orang-orang yang memiliki kapasitas diri yang besar. Dia tentu bisa mengembannya dengan sebaik-baiknya. Jadi, jika ingin mendapatkan tanggungjawab yang besar, kita mesti belajar untuk terlebih dahulu membuat kapasitas diri kita tambah besar. Karena, hanya orang besar yang layak mendapatkan kesempatan besar.
4. Besarkanlah kapasitas diri dengan kemauan sendiri. Saya berani mengatakan bahwa Anda tidak bisa mengandalkan proses pengembangan kapasitas diri Anda kepada atasan Anda. Mengapa? Karena proses pengembangan diri itu harus dimulai dari kesadaran yang datang dari diri Anda sendiri. Atasan Anda hanya bisa memfasilitasi prosesnya, atau merekomendasikan program pelatihannya, atau sekedar menyediakan budgetnya. Apakah Anda berhasil mengembangkan kapasitas diri itu atau tidak, atasan Anda tidak memiliki kuasa untuk itu. Faktanya? Banyak orang yang ikut suatu pelatihan namun tidak menerapkan ilmu yang diperolehnya di tempat kerja. Banyak juga bawahan yang mengelak untuk mendapatkan penugasan menantang yang sebenarnya merupakan kesempatan bagi mereka untuk berkembang lebih cepat. Bukankah kita sering mengomel kalau diberi tugas yang sulit? Padahal kita tahu bahwa pengalaman adalah bekal yang paling relevan, berdampak, dan berdaya guna. Dan itu tidak bisa kita raih selain dengan menjalaninya sendiri. Kebanyakan orang langsung nyantai begitu pekerjaannya selesai. Banyak juga yang sengaja melambat-lambatkan pekerjaanya dengan maksud menghindari penugasan lainnya. Tapi seorang staff memiliki kemauan yang sedemikian kuat untuk berkembang lebih pesat. Dia beristirahat hanya pada waktunya istirahat. Lalu berpindah dari tugas yang satu kepada tugas yang lain. Setahu saya, karir orang ini melejit sangat cepat. Bahkan melampaui posisi mantan atasannya. Mengapa hanya dia yang begitu? Apakah atasannya pilih kasih? Tidak. Itu karena memang dia memiliki kemauan untuk memperbesar kapasitas dirinya sendiri.
5. Raihlah kesempurnaan dengan proses pencarian tanpa henti. Orang-orang yang merasa dirinya sudah sempurna pasti jauh dari kesempurnaan. Mengapa? Karena tidak ada satu hal pun dimuka bumi ini yang benar-benar statis. Semua bergerak secara dinamis. Bahkan benda-benda yang terlihat diam pun sebenarnya bergerak. Apakah secara absolut pada tingkatan atomiknya, maupun secara relatif dalam tingkatan kosmiknya. Segala sesuatu yang hari ini kita kira sebagai puncak pecapaian, akan segera kadaluarsa lalu digantikan oleh pencapaian lain yang jauh lebih bernilai. Kesempurnaan pencapaian diri kita itu laksana undakan anak tangga. Setiap kali kita menanjak naik, posisi kita memang menjadi lebih tinggi. Namun kita tidak benar-benar sampai ke puncak tertinggi. Jika kita berhenti pada anak tangga itu, maka kita hanya akan bisa mencapai setinggi itu. Lihatlah satu anak tangga lagi, maka kita akan tahu bahwa meski sudah tinggi tapi kita belum cukup tinggi. Naiklah lagi, dan posisi kita lebih tinggi lagi. Naiklah lagi, dan naiklah lagi. Itulah satu-satunya cara untuk menapaki ketinggian nilai-nilai kemanusiaan diri kita sendiri. Yaitu dengan pencarian yang tanpa henti. Sebagai imbalannya, setiap penemuan yang kita dapatkan itu semakin mendekatkan diri kita pada kesempurnaan diri. Karenanya, kesempurnaan hanyalah milik para pencari tanpa henti.
Banyak karyawan yang sangat senang dengan penugasan ringan. Mereka merasa nyaman dengan segala kemudahan dalam menyelesaikan tugas-tugasnya. Padahal, justru kondisi itu sangat membahayakan karir mereka sendiri. Tugas-tugas ringan yang kita dapatkan dari pekerjaan tidak ubahnya seperti pot-pot kecil yang akan menghalangi pertumbuhan akar, dahan dan ranting-ranting kapasitas diri yang besar. Jika pohon beringin yang bisa tumbuh puluhan meter pun bisa dikerdilkan untuk menjadi hanya 15 senti, maka kapasitas diri kita yang sangat besar itu pun pasti bisa dikerdilkan hanya dengan cara memberinya tugas-tugas yang kecil. Maka mulai sekarang, berhentilah merasa nyaman dengan tugas-tugas kecil. Dan mulailah untuk memberikan pohon kapasitas diri Anda tanah yang luas dan besar agar bisa tumbuh hingga sebesar-besarnya.
Mari Berbagi Semangat!
Dadang Kadarusman - Deka – 4 Oktober 2011
Trainer “Natural Intelligence Leadership Training”
Penulis buku ”Natural Intelligence Leadership” (jadwal terbit Oktober 2011)
Jika boleh memilih antara gaji besar dan gaji kecil, apa pilihan Anda? Pertanyaan yang kurang cerdas. Jika dihadapkan pada 2 pilihan antara mengerjakan sesuatu yang sudah biasa Anda lakukan dengan baik atau sesuatu yang Anda belum terampil melakukannnya; Anda pilih yang mana? Tidak usah khawatir, ini bukan soal pilihan antara benar dan salah kok. Kebanyakan orang mendahulukan kenyamanan. Maka wajar jika mereka memilih mengerjakan tugas-tugas yang mudah. Selain memberi rasa nyaman, pekerjaan gampang tidak memerlukan kerja keras dan bisa menghemat banyak keringat. Tak heran jika banyak orang yang merasa berat hati ketika mendapatkan penugasan yang sulit. Bahkan tidak sedikit yang rela karirnya tidak berubah karena merasa sudah sangat nyaman dengan pekerjaan yang dilakukannya selama bertahun-tahun. Boleh saja jika memang itu sudah menjadi pilihan hidup kita. Tapi, jika kita masih mengeluhkan hasilnya, itu pertanda ada yang salah dengan pilihan kita.
Dua minggu lalu sahabat saya menunjukkan pohon beringin bonsai yang dimilikinya. Lalu saya teringat kepada pohon beringin besar yang tumbuh dihalaman belakang rumah kakek saya di kampung ketika saya masih kecil dulu. Membayangkan kedua beringin itu, tiba-tiba saya merasa miris sendiri. Jangan-jangan saya ini sebenarnya memiliki potensi yang sangat besar. Namun, saya membiarkan diri sendiri kerdil seperti beringin bonsai itu. Seolah tersadar dari keterlenaan yang telah bertahun-tahun ini saya alami, saya melihat betapa banyak potensi diri yang saya sia-siakan selama ini. Bagi Anda yang tertarik menemani saya belajar memaksimalkan potensi diri, saya ajak memulainya dengan mempraktekkan 5 prinsip Natural Intelligence (NatIn) berikut ini:
1. Behentilah bermain di arena kecil. Jika Anda sudah tidak lagi mengalami kesulitan dalam menyelesaikan pekerjaan yang Anda tangani, boleh jadi sebenarnya Anda sudah tidak cocok lagi dengan pekerjaan itu. Huhu, bukankah justru sebaliknya? Bukan. Salah satu alasan mengapa pohon beringin di rumah teman saya itu menjadi bonsai adalah karena dia secara sengaja ditempatkan pada pot beton yang sangat kecil. Beda dengan beringin raksasa di kebun kakek saya. Tanahnya luas, nutrisinya banyak, ruang geraknya leluasa. Maka jadilah beringin teman saya kerdil. Dan jadilah pohon beringin kakek saya menjulang tinggi dengan akar gantungnya yang besar dan kekar. Begitu pula dengan pekerjaan. Jika Anda masih terus bertahan dalam pekerjaan yang sudah menjadi tugas cetek dan celepete itu, bisa jadi Anda membiarkan diri sendiri menjadi bonsai. Kita sering mengkalim diri sebagai orang yang berjiwa besar dan berkehormatan besar. Namun, kita membiarkan diri sendiri ngendon di ruang kecil yang hanya cocok untuk mereka yang memiliki kapasitas kerja yang juga kecil. Terlalu mudahnya pekerjaan yang Anda tangani itu adalah indikasi jika kapasitas diri Anda sudah lebih besar. Maka datanglah kepada atasan Anda untuk penugasan yang lebih menantang. Karena seperti pot mungil; tantangan kecil hanya cocok untuk orang kecil, atau orang besar yang ingin menjadi kerdil.
2. Tumbuhkanlah keinginan untuk menjadi orang besar. Kalau merasa takut keluar dari arena kecil untuk memasuki arena bermain yang lebih besar itu wajar. Namun kita memiliki pilihan apakah akan menjadikan rasa takut itu sebagai alasan untuk tetap diam ditempat, ataukah sebagai daya dorong untuk mengembangkan diri agar bisa menjadi pribadi yang lebih besar. Pilihan itu menghasilkan sebuah perbedaan bermakna. Orang-orang yang terkurung dalam ketakutan tidak akan pernah keluar dari penjara aman yang dibuatnya sendiri. Sedangkan orang-orang yang terdorong oleh rasa takut proporsional justu semakin bersemangat untuk terus mengembangkan diri. Saya melihat akar bonsai itu memberontak keluar dari pot kecilnya. Bahkan ada bagian pot yang retak. Terlihat sekali jika sebenarnya bonsai itu ingin tumbuh membesar seperti yang seharusnya. Bagaimana dengan kita? Apakah kita menggeliat mencari tantangan lebih besar ataukah justru diam saja ditempat berhambatan kecil? Kita kalah oleh tanaman jika demikian. Tantangan besar sering tidak datang dengan sendirinya. Maka seperti akar bonsai itu, kita sendirilah yang harus mencarinya keluar dari tempat persembunyian. Banyak atasan yang enggan memberi penugasan besar kepada orang-orang tertentu. Mengapa? Karena kebanyakan orang memiliki seribu satu alasan untuk menolaknya. Kita? Karus seperti akar itu. Mendatanginya. Dan mempersiapkan keterbukaan diri untuk menerima tantangan besar.
3. Pancinglah kesempatan besar dengan umpan yang besar. Bayangkan jika Anda berharap bisa menangkap hiu, namun Anda menggunakan sampan kecil. Dengan kondisi seperti itu, didatangi oleh hiu justru sangat berbahaya. Banyak kejadian yang patut kita ambil hikmahnya. Misalnya orang-orang yang mendapatkan jabatan atau tanggungjawab yang ‘terlalu besar’ dibandingkan dengan kapasitas dirinya yang kecil. Mereka berambisi untuk mendapatkan ikan besar, tapi lupa untuk memperbesar alat pancingnya. Mereka berambisi mendapatkan jabatan tinggi, tapi lalai mengimbanginya dengan kapasitas dan kemampuan diri yang juga tinggi. Akhirnya? Kinerjanya buruk. Frustrasi. Dilecehkan kolega dan bawahan. Lalu, melarikan diri ke tempat lain karena sudah tidak sanggup lagi mengatasi tantangan yang dihadapinya. Ditempat baru, kejadiannya tidak jauh berbeda. Pasti akan terulang lagi. Kecuali jika mereka kembali memasuki kolam kecil yang sesuai dengan kapasitas dirinya. Sebaliknya jika penugasan besar itu diberikan kepada orang-orang yang memiliki kapasitas diri yang besar. Dia tentu bisa mengembannya dengan sebaik-baiknya. Jadi, jika ingin mendapatkan tanggungjawab yang besar, kita mesti belajar untuk terlebih dahulu membuat kapasitas diri kita tambah besar. Karena, hanya orang besar yang layak mendapatkan kesempatan besar.
4. Besarkanlah kapasitas diri dengan kemauan sendiri. Saya berani mengatakan bahwa Anda tidak bisa mengandalkan proses pengembangan kapasitas diri Anda kepada atasan Anda. Mengapa? Karena proses pengembangan diri itu harus dimulai dari kesadaran yang datang dari diri Anda sendiri. Atasan Anda hanya bisa memfasilitasi prosesnya, atau merekomendasikan program pelatihannya, atau sekedar menyediakan budgetnya. Apakah Anda berhasil mengembangkan kapasitas diri itu atau tidak, atasan Anda tidak memiliki kuasa untuk itu. Faktanya? Banyak orang yang ikut suatu pelatihan namun tidak menerapkan ilmu yang diperolehnya di tempat kerja. Banyak juga bawahan yang mengelak untuk mendapatkan penugasan menantang yang sebenarnya merupakan kesempatan bagi mereka untuk berkembang lebih cepat. Bukankah kita sering mengomel kalau diberi tugas yang sulit? Padahal kita tahu bahwa pengalaman adalah bekal yang paling relevan, berdampak, dan berdaya guna. Dan itu tidak bisa kita raih selain dengan menjalaninya sendiri. Kebanyakan orang langsung nyantai begitu pekerjaannya selesai. Banyak juga yang sengaja melambat-lambatkan pekerjaanya dengan maksud menghindari penugasan lainnya. Tapi seorang staff memiliki kemauan yang sedemikian kuat untuk berkembang lebih pesat. Dia beristirahat hanya pada waktunya istirahat. Lalu berpindah dari tugas yang satu kepada tugas yang lain. Setahu saya, karir orang ini melejit sangat cepat. Bahkan melampaui posisi mantan atasannya. Mengapa hanya dia yang begitu? Apakah atasannya pilih kasih? Tidak. Itu karena memang dia memiliki kemauan untuk memperbesar kapasitas dirinya sendiri.
5. Raihlah kesempurnaan dengan proses pencarian tanpa henti. Orang-orang yang merasa dirinya sudah sempurna pasti jauh dari kesempurnaan. Mengapa? Karena tidak ada satu hal pun dimuka bumi ini yang benar-benar statis. Semua bergerak secara dinamis. Bahkan benda-benda yang terlihat diam pun sebenarnya bergerak. Apakah secara absolut pada tingkatan atomiknya, maupun secara relatif dalam tingkatan kosmiknya. Segala sesuatu yang hari ini kita kira sebagai puncak pecapaian, akan segera kadaluarsa lalu digantikan oleh pencapaian lain yang jauh lebih bernilai. Kesempurnaan pencapaian diri kita itu laksana undakan anak tangga. Setiap kali kita menanjak naik, posisi kita memang menjadi lebih tinggi. Namun kita tidak benar-benar sampai ke puncak tertinggi. Jika kita berhenti pada anak tangga itu, maka kita hanya akan bisa mencapai setinggi itu. Lihatlah satu anak tangga lagi, maka kita akan tahu bahwa meski sudah tinggi tapi kita belum cukup tinggi. Naiklah lagi, dan posisi kita lebih tinggi lagi. Naiklah lagi, dan naiklah lagi. Itulah satu-satunya cara untuk menapaki ketinggian nilai-nilai kemanusiaan diri kita sendiri. Yaitu dengan pencarian yang tanpa henti. Sebagai imbalannya, setiap penemuan yang kita dapatkan itu semakin mendekatkan diri kita pada kesempurnaan diri. Karenanya, kesempurnaan hanyalah milik para pencari tanpa henti.
Banyak karyawan yang sangat senang dengan penugasan ringan. Mereka merasa nyaman dengan segala kemudahan dalam menyelesaikan tugas-tugasnya. Padahal, justru kondisi itu sangat membahayakan karir mereka sendiri. Tugas-tugas ringan yang kita dapatkan dari pekerjaan tidak ubahnya seperti pot-pot kecil yang akan menghalangi pertumbuhan akar, dahan dan ranting-ranting kapasitas diri yang besar. Jika pohon beringin yang bisa tumbuh puluhan meter pun bisa dikerdilkan untuk menjadi hanya 15 senti, maka kapasitas diri kita yang sangat besar itu pun pasti bisa dikerdilkan hanya dengan cara memberinya tugas-tugas yang kecil. Maka mulai sekarang, berhentilah merasa nyaman dengan tugas-tugas kecil. Dan mulailah untuk memberikan pohon kapasitas diri Anda tanah yang luas dan besar agar bisa tumbuh hingga sebesar-besarnya.
Mari Berbagi Semangat!
Dadang Kadarusman - Deka – 4 Oktober 2011
Trainer “Natural Intelligence Leadership Training”
Penulis buku ”Natural Intelligence Leadership” (jadwal terbit Oktober 2011)
Self Esteem
You can't touch it, but it affects how you feel. You can't see it, but it's there when you look at yourself in the mirror. You can't hear it, but it's there every time you talk about yourself. What is this important but mysterious thing? It's your self-esteem!
What Is Self-Esteem?
To understand self-esteem, it helps to break the term into two words. Let's take a look at the word esteem first. Esteem (say: ess-teem) is a fancy word for thinking that someone or something is important or valuing that person or thing. For example, if you really admire your friend's dad because he volunteers at the fire department, it means you hold him in high esteem. And the special trophy for the most valuable player on a team is often called an esteemed trophy. This means the trophy stands for an important accomplishment.
And self means, well, yourself! So when you put the two words together, it's easier to see what self-esteem is. It's how much you value yourself and how important you think you are. It's how you see yourself and how you feel about your achievements. Self-esteem isn't bragging about how great you are. It's more like quietly knowing that you're worth a lot (priceless, in fact!). It's not about thinking you're perfect - because nobody is - but knowing that you're worthy of being loved and accepted..
Why Self-Esteem Is Important
Self-esteem isn't like a cool pair of sneakers that you'd love to have but don't have to have. A kid needs to have self-esteem.
Good self-esteem is important because it helps you to hold your head high and feel proud of yourself and what you can do. It gives you the courage to try new things and the power to believe in yourself. It lets you respect yourself, even when you make mistakes. And when you respect yourself, adults and other kids usually respect you, too.
Having good self-esteem is also the ticket to making good choices about your mind and body. If you think you're important, you'll be less likely to follow the crowd if your friends are doing something dumb or dangerous. If you have good self-esteem, you know that you're smart enough to make your own decisions. You value your safety, your feelings, your health - your whole self! Good self-esteem helps you know that every part of you is worth caring for and protecting.
How Kids Get Self-Esteem
When a baby is born, he doesn't see himself in a good way or a bad way. He doesn't think, "I'm great!" when he lets out a big burp, or "Oh, no, this diaper makes my legs look weird!" when he sees himself in a mirror. Instead, people around the baby help him develop his self-esteem as he grows.
At first, only a baby's family might help him develop good self-esteem. They might encourage the baby when he tries to walk or praise him when he eats his cereal. They also care for him and help him when he needs it. These positive words and actions teach him to see himself as important and feel good about himself. Even though he's so young, he's already learning that he's valuable and lovable.
As a kid gets older, many other people come into his life who can help him develop his self-esteem, such as teachers, coaches, friends, teammates, and classmates. They can help him learn things and cheer him on. They can help him figure out how to do things for himself and notice his good qualities. They can believe in him and encourage him to try again when he doesn't do something right. These types of people and activities help kids develop good self-esteem - and become kids who see themselves in a positive way and feel proud of themselves and what they are able to do.
A Little on Low Self-Esteem
Maybe you know a kid who has low self-esteem and doesn't think very highly of himself or seems to criticize himself too much. Or maybe you have low self-esteem and don't always feel very good about yourself or think you're important.
Sometimes a kid will have low self-esteem if his mother or father doesn't encourage him enough or if there is a lot of yelling at home. Other times, a kid's self-esteem can be hurt in the classroom. A teacher may make a kid feel dumb or perhaps there is a bully who says hurtful things.
For some kids, classes at school can seem so hard that they can't keep up or get the grades they'd hoped for. This can make them feel bad about themselves and hurt their self-esteem. Their self-esteem will improve when a teacher, tutor, or counselor can encourage them, be patient, and help them get back on track with learning. When they start to do well, their self-esteem will skyrocket!
And there are some kids who have good self-esteem, but then something happens to change that. For example, if a kid moves and doesn't make friends at first in his new school, he might start to feel bad about himself if he thinks he won't ever make friends. A kid whose parents divorce also may find that this can affect his self-esteem. He may feel bad if he begins to think he's to blame or that he's unlovable. And if a kid feels he is too fat or too thin, his self-esteem may go down if he starts thinking that means he's not good enough. Even going through the body changes of puberty - something that everybody does - can affect a kid's self-esteem.
Boosting Your Self-Esteem
Of course it's OK to have ups and downs in your feelings, but having low self-esteem isn't OK. Feeling like you're not important can make you sad and can keep you from trying new things. It can keep you from making friends or hurt how you do at school. Having strong self-esteem is also a very big part of growing up; as you get older and face tough decisions - especially under peer pressure - the more self-esteem you have, the better. It's important to know you're worth a lot.
If you think you might have low self-esteem, try talking to an adult you trust about it. He or she may be able to help you come up with some good ideas for building your self-esteem.
In the meantime, here are a few things that you can try to increase your self-esteem:
• Remember that your body is your own, no matter what shape, size, or color it is. If you are worried about your weight or size, you can check with your doctor to make sure that things are OK.
• Remember that there are things about yourself you can't change - such as skin color and shoe size - and you should accept and love these things because they are part of you.
• Remind yourself of things about your body that are cool, like, "My legs are strong and I can skate really well."
• When you hear negative comments in your head, mentally tell yourself to stop. The critical voice inside you will soon lose its power.
• Give yourself three compliments every day. Don't just say, "I'm so great." Be specific about something good about yourself, like, "I was a good friend to Jill today" or "I did better on that test than I thought I would." While you're at it, before you go to bed every night, list three things in your day that really made you happy.
By focusing on the good things you do and all your great qualities, you learn to love and accept yourself, and that's the main ingredient for strong self-esteem. Even if you've got room for improvement (and who doesn't?), realizing that you're valuable and important helps your self-esteem to shine.
Updated and reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: December 2002
What Is Self-Esteem?
To understand self-esteem, it helps to break the term into two words. Let's take a look at the word esteem first. Esteem (say: ess-teem) is a fancy word for thinking that someone or something is important or valuing that person or thing. For example, if you really admire your friend's dad because he volunteers at the fire department, it means you hold him in high esteem. And the special trophy for the most valuable player on a team is often called an esteemed trophy. This means the trophy stands for an important accomplishment.
And self means, well, yourself! So when you put the two words together, it's easier to see what self-esteem is. It's how much you value yourself and how important you think you are. It's how you see yourself and how you feel about your achievements. Self-esteem isn't bragging about how great you are. It's more like quietly knowing that you're worth a lot (priceless, in fact!). It's not about thinking you're perfect - because nobody is - but knowing that you're worthy of being loved and accepted..
Why Self-Esteem Is Important
Self-esteem isn't like a cool pair of sneakers that you'd love to have but don't have to have. A kid needs to have self-esteem.
Good self-esteem is important because it helps you to hold your head high and feel proud of yourself and what you can do. It gives you the courage to try new things and the power to believe in yourself. It lets you respect yourself, even when you make mistakes. And when you respect yourself, adults and other kids usually respect you, too.
Having good self-esteem is also the ticket to making good choices about your mind and body. If you think you're important, you'll be less likely to follow the crowd if your friends are doing something dumb or dangerous. If you have good self-esteem, you know that you're smart enough to make your own decisions. You value your safety, your feelings, your health - your whole self! Good self-esteem helps you know that every part of you is worth caring for and protecting.
How Kids Get Self-Esteem
When a baby is born, he doesn't see himself in a good way or a bad way. He doesn't think, "I'm great!" when he lets out a big burp, or "Oh, no, this diaper makes my legs look weird!" when he sees himself in a mirror. Instead, people around the baby help him develop his self-esteem as he grows.
At first, only a baby's family might help him develop good self-esteem. They might encourage the baby when he tries to walk or praise him when he eats his cereal. They also care for him and help him when he needs it. These positive words and actions teach him to see himself as important and feel good about himself. Even though he's so young, he's already learning that he's valuable and lovable.
As a kid gets older, many other people come into his life who can help him develop his self-esteem, such as teachers, coaches, friends, teammates, and classmates. They can help him learn things and cheer him on. They can help him figure out how to do things for himself and notice his good qualities. They can believe in him and encourage him to try again when he doesn't do something right. These types of people and activities help kids develop good self-esteem - and become kids who see themselves in a positive way and feel proud of themselves and what they are able to do.
A Little on Low Self-Esteem
Maybe you know a kid who has low self-esteem and doesn't think very highly of himself or seems to criticize himself too much. Or maybe you have low self-esteem and don't always feel very good about yourself or think you're important.
Sometimes a kid will have low self-esteem if his mother or father doesn't encourage him enough or if there is a lot of yelling at home. Other times, a kid's self-esteem can be hurt in the classroom. A teacher may make a kid feel dumb or perhaps there is a bully who says hurtful things.
For some kids, classes at school can seem so hard that they can't keep up or get the grades they'd hoped for. This can make them feel bad about themselves and hurt their self-esteem. Their self-esteem will improve when a teacher, tutor, or counselor can encourage them, be patient, and help them get back on track with learning. When they start to do well, their self-esteem will skyrocket!
And there are some kids who have good self-esteem, but then something happens to change that. For example, if a kid moves and doesn't make friends at first in his new school, he might start to feel bad about himself if he thinks he won't ever make friends. A kid whose parents divorce also may find that this can affect his self-esteem. He may feel bad if he begins to think he's to blame or that he's unlovable. And if a kid feels he is too fat or too thin, his self-esteem may go down if he starts thinking that means he's not good enough. Even going through the body changes of puberty - something that everybody does - can affect a kid's self-esteem.
Boosting Your Self-Esteem
Of course it's OK to have ups and downs in your feelings, but having low self-esteem isn't OK. Feeling like you're not important can make you sad and can keep you from trying new things. It can keep you from making friends or hurt how you do at school. Having strong self-esteem is also a very big part of growing up; as you get older and face tough decisions - especially under peer pressure - the more self-esteem you have, the better. It's important to know you're worth a lot.
If you think you might have low self-esteem, try talking to an adult you trust about it. He or she may be able to help you come up with some good ideas for building your self-esteem.
In the meantime, here are a few things that you can try to increase your self-esteem:
• Remember that your body is your own, no matter what shape, size, or color it is. If you are worried about your weight or size, you can check with your doctor to make sure that things are OK.
• Remember that there are things about yourself you can't change - such as skin color and shoe size - and you should accept and love these things because they are part of you.
• Remind yourself of things about your body that are cool, like, "My legs are strong and I can skate really well."
• When you hear negative comments in your head, mentally tell yourself to stop. The critical voice inside you will soon lose its power.
• Give yourself three compliments every day. Don't just say, "I'm so great." Be specific about something good about yourself, like, "I was a good friend to Jill today" or "I did better on that test than I thought I would." While you're at it, before you go to bed every night, list three things in your day that really made you happy.
By focusing on the good things you do and all your great qualities, you learn to love and accept yourself, and that's the main ingredient for strong self-esteem. Even if you've got room for improvement (and who doesn't?), realizing that you're valuable and important helps your self-esteem to shine.
Updated and reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: December 2002
7 Habits of Highly Effective People
1. Be Proactive. Take the initiative and make things happen. Aggressively seek new ideas and innovations. Don’t let a negative environment affect your behavior and decisions. Work on things that you can do something about. If you make a mistake, acknowledge it and learn from it.
2. Begin with the end in mind. Know where you are going and make sure all the steps you take are in the right direction. First determine the right things to accomplish and then how to best accomplish them. Write a personal mission statement describing where you want to go and what you want to be and how to accomplish these things.
3. Put first things first. List your priorities each day for the upcoming week and schedule time to work on them. Continually review and prioritize your goals. Say NO to doing unimportant tasks. Focus on the important tasks, the ones that will have impact if carefully thought out and planned.
4. Think win/win. Win/win is a frame of mind that seeks mutual benefits for all people involved in solutions and agreements. Identify the key issues and results that would constitute a fully acceptable solution to all. Make all involved in the decision feel good about the decision and committed to a plan of action.
5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Learn as much as you can about a situation. "Listen, listen, listen." Try to see the problem from the other person’s perspective. Be willing to be adaptable in seeking to be understood. Present things logically, not emotionally. Be credible, emphatic, and logical.
6. Synergize. Make the whole greater than the sum of its parts. Value the differences in the people you work with. Foster open and honest communication. Help everyone bring out the best in everyone else.
7. Renewal. Renew the four dimensions of your nature.
• Physical: Exercise, nutrition, stress management.
• Mental: Reading, thinking, visualizing, planning, writing.
• Spiritual: Studying God’s Word, Praying, Giving/Serving, Fellowshipping.
• Social/Emotional: Service, empathy, self-esteem, synergy.
The upward spiral: Learn, Commit, Do; Learn, Commit, Do; Learn
2. Begin with the end in mind. Know where you are going and make sure all the steps you take are in the right direction. First determine the right things to accomplish and then how to best accomplish them. Write a personal mission statement describing where you want to go and what you want to be and how to accomplish these things.
3. Put first things first. List your priorities each day for the upcoming week and schedule time to work on them. Continually review and prioritize your goals. Say NO to doing unimportant tasks. Focus on the important tasks, the ones that will have impact if carefully thought out and planned.
4. Think win/win. Win/win is a frame of mind that seeks mutual benefits for all people involved in solutions and agreements. Identify the key issues and results that would constitute a fully acceptable solution to all. Make all involved in the decision feel good about the decision and committed to a plan of action.
5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Learn as much as you can about a situation. "Listen, listen, listen." Try to see the problem from the other person’s perspective. Be willing to be adaptable in seeking to be understood. Present things logically, not emotionally. Be credible, emphatic, and logical.
6. Synergize. Make the whole greater than the sum of its parts. Value the differences in the people you work with. Foster open and honest communication. Help everyone bring out the best in everyone else.
7. Renewal. Renew the four dimensions of your nature.
• Physical: Exercise, nutrition, stress management.
• Mental: Reading, thinking, visualizing, planning, writing.
• Spiritual: Studying God’s Word, Praying, Giving/Serving, Fellowshipping.
• Social/Emotional: Service, empathy, self-esteem, synergy.
The upward spiral: Learn, Commit, Do; Learn, Commit, Do; Learn
Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You
TOPICS:
• What Is Anger?
• Anger Management
• Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay?
• Do You Need Counseling?
________________________________________
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.
What cause it?
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at
-- a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or
-- event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or
-- your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems.
-- Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings.
The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management,
some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does.
There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be
genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age.
Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
• Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
• What Is Anger?
• Anger Management
• Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay?
• Do You Need Counseling?
________________________________________
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.
What cause it?
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at
-- a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or
-- event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or
-- your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems.
-- Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings.
The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management,
some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does.
There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be
genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age.
Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
• Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
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